Four Words I Hate: "Back in My Day..."

These four words usually make me cringe and I do everything I can not to use them in a coaching environment. They often signal a story about how things were tougher, harder, or somehow better. They can also become an excuse for resisting change rather than embracing it.

But... well... sort of... because sometimes looking back reminds us just how far we've come. Back in my day, as a first class referee, we weren't coached at our games, we were assessed and there was a world of difference.

The best score we could get on our assessment was 100. Every mistake that was identified meant a reduction of your score....another point deducted.

Finish with a score of 95? That was an outstanding performance. Think about that for a moment. The entire process was built around finding faults. The assessor's job was to identify what you didn't do well. Every conversation started from the premise that something had gone wrong. It was a deficit model of development.

Did it make us better? Perhaps to a point. We certainly knew what we'd done wrong.

But did it help referees grow? Did it build confidence? Did it encourage reflection? Did it develop self-awareness? I'm not convinced.

Thankfully, our thinking has evolved. Today, when a referee walks off the field, the first question isn't, "What did you get wrong?" It's much more likely to be, "Tell us what went well." That simple shift changes everything.

We're no longer searching for mistakes before we acknowledge success. We're helping referees recognise effective behaviours, understand why they worked, and build on them. That's what coaching is all about.

One of my favourite reflection tools is the 3, 2, 1.

• Three things that worked well.

• Two things you learned.

• One thing you'll look to improve next time.

  
  

Notice the order? We begin with success. We encourage learning. Only then do we identify a development area.

Importantly, we're not pretending mistakes don't exist. Improvement still matters. Standards still matter. Accountability still matters. But people learn far more effectively when they understand both what they're doing well and what they need to develop. Confidence and competence grow together.

The old system asked, "What's wrong?" The new approach asks, "What's working, what have you learned, and what's next?"

That's a much healthier conversation. So yes, I hate hearing, "Back in my day..."

Except when it reminds us that some things really are better today.

Moving from assessment to coaching isn't about lowering standards. It's about changing the pathway to achieving them. Because the best coaches don't simply count mistakes. They help people recognise success, reflect honestly, and leave every game believing they can be even better next week.